Nell's Random Thoughts...
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Friday, October 12, 2007
The time my youngest sister turned 18, I felt officially old. My shining moments has passed and now younger generations are slowly filling in my spot in the race called life. I know,I'm over reacting about the whole thing , but you see I've never seen myself one day looking at pictures and seeing fresh faces eager to see and mark a spot in the world. I always thought of myself as the young, fun and careless kind of person. But as you see younger siblings, cousins and friends unfold right before your eyes slowly you realize how much years has passed you by.
Now I understand, why you should make the most of your younger years...cause once its done there's no goin back. Gone are the days of being careless..As you grow older you realize that carelessness in whatever form it comes in is a crime. And the older you get the lesser mistakes you are allowed to make cuz if you do you may not have enough time to learn from it.
Growing old is a combination of happiness and sadness. We rejoice for the things we have accomplished, we have shared, we have learned,we have risked, we have loved. We are saddened for the years we have let pass doing nothing, the times we didnt use wisely, for the pains we never forgotten and forgiven and for the loss of the youth vibe we never fully used to its greatest advantage...
I am old...but not old enough not to make my life worth living. I still have time...And I will make the most of it...So that one day, I will be able to inspire people of how beautiful and colorful i made of my life...
Current mood:  indescribable Current music: lani misalucha medley
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
So i've been here for almost 3 weeks already. So far so good. I can't say yet if i am completely adjusted cuz i know im not but i know i am getting there. My life now is so different from the life i lived for almost 3 years. I am not complaining though. I can see that moving here is a big step towards attaining my "supposed to be" goal for migrating- a better life, self improvement, greener pasture and independence.
In time I will be a better Nell..hopefully, one day i'd wake-up as an accomplished woman...happy and contented... It may take a while until i see myself as such and i'm not bothered at all because I know I made the right decision and I am starting to form myself a brighter future.
I never thought i'd be able to say this but I am glad i took the chance...
Current mood:  determined Current music: some house music
Saturday, July 14, 2007
July is passing me by so fast...sometimes i just want to hit the pause button ( if theres such a thing) and stay stuck in the moment...then again a part of me is a little bit looking forward to it. I mean the sooner the day of my big move comes nearer i am finding myself excited. I guess the whole mind setting thing is helping me out a bit.
For sure there will be drama on that day but i'll get over it. We'll get used to the idea that this year will be spent on self improvement and realigning of goals ( and shit ;-p). As my friend Monch puts it, 2007 will be different, different in the sense that there will be a great possibility that we won't be able to spend more time together, that some of us will be leaving, some might go into serious relationships and so on... and true enough its all happening now. I know i will go thru sooo much adjustment and will probably be spending my free ( and my little airtime as well) minutes talking to my favorite people. I am also certain that i'll be online 24/7 just to make sure i don't miss on anything. I will most probably be flying in SF once a month to get my dose of club 127/1-15 party. San Francisco will be my monthly treat...something to look forward to and something to get me by...
So this is is how i picture it going to be once i leave. But knowing me I am the most adaptable person in the world. I will get by easily. And in a week or two i've created a whole new life for me.
I will definitely miss SF... for now, I have to keep an open mind and embrace the transition im about to go to. Sure it is sweet to stay in my happy place...the comfort zone I've always been so used to...but it is sweeter knowing that opportunities never stop coming my way and with that i can't complain right?
My friends are just like my family...they're just there...And if things don't work out then I'm sure they will be there to welcome me back complete with banners and booze (haha!)
Alright maybe just booze no banners....;P
Current mood:  hopeful
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
So I have chosen to sail forth and embark to the world of dating. Ok, I am still skeptical about the whole "commitment" thing and will probably remain like that for sometime. ( point clear!!!)
But then I also realized something... that no matter how much i push out the idea of liking someone and stick to my stubborn rule of never falling into the same rut again...something happens or someone comes along...
I guess I'm starting to like somebody right now. I can't say yet how much or how less it is, but im quite certain I like being around him. And I like the feeling of being taken cared of.... i like hearing nice words and treated kindly....and I love taking in all the positive vibe brought about by the little shower of attention.
I think once you dive into the whole dating scenario, somehow you got to open up yourself that you could meet a few good men. And eventhough you don't want to take the plunge into falling for that dreaded "L" word still you have to be ready that you might end up with the other "L" word which is liking the person you're going out with.
The two L words... Loving and Liking. It is only now that I saw the slim difference between these two. You see Pinoy dating culture is so conservative and mellow. No kissing, no touching just conversing and eating. In the US dates could lead you from one single peck on the cheek to hugging,to bed to whatever else you could imagine. This is where the confusion begin....How do you say you just like the person and not love them...and yet care for them. Should loving and liking be compared with each other? How do you upgrade liking into loving ? How do we not associate liking with loving?
So I am happy that somebody gives me a little attention...but not too happy because i know its ending soon since i'm moving to a new city and i know that long distance relationships rarely work....The whole experience actually gave me new found confidence about myself and how to deal with the opposite sex.....It made me feel excited to meet people....It made me look forward to falling in love again.
p.s.
Things may not work for us now...but who knows maybe our paths would cross again hopefully during a time when we're both ready...but if it never happens then let's remain friends and continue to wish each other well..Thanks for a month of good memories...
Current mood:  calm
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Last night a friend asked me if i ever wanted to settle down, have kids start a family...Had it been that the same question was thrown at me sometime last year or maybe earlier i could've easily said YES but last night I was a little bit surprised to find myself unsure of my answer...
Society dictates that at 28 i should be married, stable-career wise,maybe with a kid/s,or I should atleast be in a relationship, or maybe engaged... unfortunately, I don't fall in any of those categories.
I didn't realize how a simple question could affect me this way. I've been contemplating on this thought since last night before i went to sleep and up until today while at work. Deep inside me i knew I wanted to start a family. But because of unexplainable truths on relationships I am a little bit confused and somewhat convinced that being in one moreso getting tied down with the same person all my life is way too scary...(or became scary).
My "ideal relationship bubble" was burst prematurely. I'm not sure if thats to my advantage or not. You see I have a few questions battling inside me for quite some time now ... One is, why should one get in a relationship (or worse get hitched) if somewhere along your years of togetherness somebody will just slowly drift away...Second, How can you cheat on your partners and look for that lost connection somewhere else rather than finding reasons to reconnect within themselves...Third, how can you fall out out of love with somebody you chose to spend the rest of your lives with and think that you can find it thru someone else...Fourth, Why not stay single forever and never go thru all of these....i can just go on and on and on...questions after questions...why's and more why's.
I guess the older you get the more you get scared of a lot of things. And at some point you tend to come accross blurry situations- like me. I never got scared of being in love or taking risks on love but things change...my views on it changed...I changed...
I have accepted the fact that marriage will come to me at a later time. For now, I have to attend to all these issues and to slowly open up myself to the possibilities of falling in love...I need to learn how to trust again...to believe that happy endings still exist...That there is still somebody out there reserved for me...
I'm taking my time...after all they say good things come to those who wait...So I will wait.
Current mood:  contemplative Current music: chit-chats of my roomates
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
1:51PM
"The old dreams were good dreams; they didn't work out, but glad I had them"...
"Things change. They always do, it's one of the things of nature. Most people are afraid of change, but if you look at it as something you can always count on, then it can be a comfort"....
" This kind of certainty comes but once in a lifetime"...
- Robert Kincaid
Bridges of Madison County
"I realized love won't obey our expectations, it's mystery is pure and absolute"...
"Robert, please. You don't understand, no-one does. When a woman makes the choice to marry, to have children; in one way her life begins but in another way it stops. You build a life of details. You become a mother, a wife and you stop and stay steady so that your children can move. And when they leave they take your life of details with them. And then you're expected move again only you don't remember what moves you because no-one has asked in so long. Not even yourself. You never in your life think that love like this can happen to you"...
- Francesca
Bridges of Madison County
I just had to share this.... I have an uncurable hang-over of that movie...Very nice...had me thinking for awhile...watch it!watch it!!!
Current mood: contemplative Current music: steppin out-kascade
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
It does exist! fact is a relationship -good or bad- actually exist in cyber world. Back in the days when people from home got addicted to chatting and eye balling ..I was one of the few who were anti-geek world... I was so lazy to be trading emails and talking to people who i cannot see nor hear...And i get impatient talking to strangers,waiting for answers and figuring out whta the heck are ttyl,gtg,brb an all those acronyms...
Anyway...that was before... until late last year when i first met a person online. I answered an interesting headline about finding a nice girl is just like playing the lotto..out of curiosity i said hi and he turned out to be a nice young man who is half-filipino and half-indonesian. After a few trades of email it stopped. Fine! Then after that I have heard alot of stories about people finding their match thru the net...dating websites here and there...Ok out of depression and low self esteem i tried to post a pesonal ad. it worked! I got all the attention I want. mostly from guys who like me are bored about their lives...probably healing a broken heart too...or maybe just guys who wanted to play along...50 messages, in one night! to my surprise there were more the following day... I answered a lot of hi's and been busy checkin out answers...chatting...
It's crazy! i met fifty guys...then in 3 days it was cut down to 10 then 5 then 1.
The only one who talked to me about anything and everything under the sun...argued with me most of the time ( i always win of course!)..called me names which i have learned to appreciate in time (lol)... the only one who never dealt with anything naughty or sexual... And that made him stand out. In my ad I said I wanted a friend...not a friend with benefits or fucking friends not even cyber sex friend for Gods sake! Atleast, 1 out of fifty is better than none.
Hey you! I appreciate you being there... its always fun to talk and be mean with you everyday... Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to say hi, to be mean...to be nice...to be stubborn to be you.. i hope to get to know you more...
So there...;)
Current mood:  grateful
its been awhile since i last updated my journal. I have been out most of the time...busy entertaining VIP's- My Family
Three years has passed and i finally got the chance to spend time with my mom,papa and bro. It was indeed the best birthday i've had in years...and by far the best gift too.
Seeing them the first time was a little strange- in a nice way of course!. The first day my mom was just staring at me...she keeps saying i look different...keeps repeating i gained a lot a weight (hehe!), I look happy...there was a lot of catching up on what i've been upto...who im hangin out with...a lot of questions about the past relationship, work plans and so on...My brother was still the same...I was still spoiled to him...actually, I'm spoiled to my family which is odd because im the oldest and i should be the one doing all the spoiling...Anyway, it was all good so can't complain. My dad, came in later on...so much closer to my birthday. When he first saw me he said "taba mo! (hahah!) i guess he meant to say hi! hahaha!!!
It finally felt like home... for years, ive been a constant adopted daughter to different families here in the US...been picking-up people from the airport on a monthly basis...(literally!) And always, i'd wish one day i'd pick up my own family too..It's nice to be a daughter again..to eat be eating with them in breakfast and just talking about what are plans would be...it's nice to sleep beside my mom-the way i used to in the Philippines...It's nice to get a massage from my brother (free of charge!)..It's nice to eat my papa's adobo (my favorite and request)...it's nice to argue with hem too and discuss about plans about the future...it's nice to have somebody reprimanding me and reminding me of the consequence i've to face because of the choices i made...
As a whole, it was a good experience... Something i didn't wanna end. but like any other life must go on...
It will be another year till i see them again maybe longer...but one thing is for sure.I know they're just there... Family will always be family...no matter the distance...they will always be there to support you, accept you and love you...
So to my family, Thanks for coming over... i hope to see you again soon...I love you and i miss you...thank you for bringing me close to home...
Current mood:  content
Thursday, March 8, 2007
For the first time in my entire life I did manage to gather up some guts to go out-take note CLUBBING! without my hair pulled back in a pony tail or a bun or in broom straight like style... This is something big that I just have to write about it...
I don't like my hair...or my body...or my face or me... i always try to put on so many things make-up...accessories...hair products just so I'd feel more confident or beautiful or maybe try to hide away from the real me...
So after last saturday- I changed. I was convinced to love my imperfections..I felt good! kinnda liberating...For years, I've tried to run away from the fact that I am different.. That i will never wear size small or extra small ( like hello my bones is practically half my weight and my butt is like a quarter of it and my hair is like the rest of it heheh!)...that my hair will always be curly no matter how hard I try to have it straightened...That I will always be darkest among my siblings...That I have never thought about going thru any medical procedure to add on something...That no matter how imperfect I am..... I am still beautiful (and sexy!)...
I Love myself now...It's all about accepting the things that you can't change...now I understand why my mom keeps telling me to leave my hair alone because its beautiful..Why she keeps telling me to stop shaving my already thin lined eyebrows because it looked better that way...And so much more...
At the back of my head I still want to improve on myself...feel better about myself... I admire those who really work hard to be who they are now..Those who keep improving on how they live their lives...And I know that if they can do it -I can, difference is I will do it at my own pace at my own time...
For now, I am just happy rediscovering myself...and feeling a new splash of confidence smothered on my own skin...on my own hair...on my own self...
Current mood:  excited
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Monday, January 29, 2007
Friday, January 26, 2007
It's been a great week ...It's been "good busy" -meaning lot's of work to do, appointments here and there,laundry done...signed new contract and renewals done... so on and so forth...Thank God it's friday!!!
It's not even 6pm but already I'm in relax mode...
So.....
Tonight we'll be having dinner at ate Abi's house. This will be our first get together in 2007. I'm sure there'll be loads of fun, food and"booze"? and yes non stop magic mic concert...I'm excited!!!
And then.....
Just this morning I got a gift from a friend...Plane ticket to LA lang naman ( o daba?!)....Birthday nya kasi haha! labo no ako yung may gift...So LA people braise yourself because AA in denial(thats me!) is flying in next friday..haaay inuman nanaman ito... thanks Coco for your very sweet gift!!! See you guys soon...
And ....
Its raining today...and i'm not at all sad... maybe because we've been waiting for some rain action to wash out that freezing temp we've been having for weeks now...
basta rain you promise not to last for 1 whole week ha?!? or else i'll be monster nell again (hehe!!)
So there...My weekend so far...
Happy Friday everyone!!
Current mood: excited Current music: daldalan ng mga co-workers ko...
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
It's been freezing the last couple of days...It could've been nice if you can just sit around and enjoy a hot cup of joe maybe a cuddle and "somethin-somethin"on the side(hehe!! repressed!!) or maybe just stay in bed forever... unfortunately, my life doesn't allow me to do so..major bummer!!
Well I guess as long as i 'm allowed to enjoy my cup of j's and get those bonus extra 5mins of sleep...guess i'm ok with it...fair enough!!(hehe!)
haaay life!!! nobody said its going to be perfect...
.....it only goes as good as it gets...
Current mood:  cold
Saturday, January 6, 2007
They say happy thoughts invite positive vibes..
So today I decided on writing about the things that literally put a smile on my face...
This is in no particular order...read on...
....theme parks-
....sugar overload
....snoopy
....anything pink
....surprises
....flowers-peach roses!!!
....phone call
....text messages
....coffee!!!
....kids- and their innnocent ways!
....a trip to the zoo
....a full hour(or more)whole body massage
....candles(scented ones)
....foot spa
....dance class-my one true love...
....weekend getaways
....dating
....kissing- haaaaaay!!! yun lang ulit!!!haha!!!
....day dreaming-it's nice to create little stories in my head and get uber happy when they start coming to life...freaky but nice...
....picture taking- awww i must say memories are the closest we could ever get to heaven for now..
....chick flick movies
....a good book
....cold stone ice cream
....burrito and sushi
....sale!!!
....sign-up contracts esp with down payment(hehe!)
....new friends
....love stories
....annalyzing human life drama/s
....racket!racket!racket!
....spring time
....cooking
....accessories
....bags and shoes
....hangin-out with my favorite people
....hearing my family's voice-priceless!
....making-out--happiness to the nth power!!hahah!!
....idle times
....travelling
....sleeping
....family gatherings
....parties
....alcohol-
....ym
....friendster
....singing
....horoscopes
....events such as weddings,birthdays,bridal and baby showers
....long baths
....fall season-haaaay!!! yun lang!
....gifts-never fails to excite me!!!
....gap dreams- my signature scent,,,never outgrew it...
....opm songs
....swimming
....animated story telling
....people watching- my favorite!!!
....uncomplicated conversations
....new experiences
....being in love-need i say more?
....performing on stage-one goal yet to be fulfilled again
....being home-ooohh thoughts of being there makes me nostalgic and yeah, happy
....diet tea -makes me feel what being empty is all about,right ate? haha!!!
....hearing mass
....dream interpretations
....road trip/s
....compliments
....chicken
....accomplishments
....money ;p
....freebies/loot bags
....blog writing
....concerts
....my kindda guy..(porma,bango,masarap kausap at kakulitan,presentable pang meet the parents haha!!!,at sana may pangarap sa buhay hahah!!)
....reunions
....chips and dip
....stars- i still wish on 'em
....shopping!!!-target team members represent!!!!
....cinderella and all the disney princesses-reminds me of mr superfriends
....fairy tales-they still make me believe in happy endings..
....visiting family and friends-stressful yet always fun!
....make-up-latest fave bare essenctuals goldy/bronzy/copperish set...
....letters either via email or literally mailed to me(hehe!) love it!
....testimonials- yes they make me happy!!
....commuting going to work -it is my "my time"
....instant food,microwave,washing machine and my flushable toilet brush!-reminds me of how easy life can be...
....watching plays and movies
....peaceful and civil interactions with long lost friends and ex's
....tfc -closest i could get to home
i'm not hard to please...never was...i guess thats the sole secret to achieving my state of happiness...Finding interesting and fun reasons to the simplest of things...
this entry will serve as my constant reminder that each individual makes his or her own happiness..and it doesn't matter how vague, nor expensive or time consuming or complicated your happy thoughts are...As long as it makes you feel good...go ahead after all nobody has the right to question you nor judge you...
Today I am happy...hopefully this year brings me more reasons to be at this state for a long time...
Happy weekend everyone!
Current mood: happy Current music: some chill-out music
Friday, December 29, 2006
It's almost the end of 2006 and I am starting to feel the need to reflect on the year that was...
but first things first... Here's a peek of how I spent the holiday season...
Dec.16,2006, San Jose,CA
-My favorite people together with two additional new found friends went to San Jose,CA
-Stopped by hawaiian drive-inn to get our food contribution.( beef teriyaki)
-Got pressured to produce cash thinking our stash wouldn't be enough to pay for the food...
-Off to the bank
-Found out we got pressured over 25 bucks (hwaaaaht??)
-Stopped by Sta. Clara to pick-up Mikee and Viv
-Party was starting when we got there...
-Exchange gift was fun...I got my boots!
-White elephant gift exchange was better..I got a red bag...
- Main event: Mykols Dance Moves and Make-Over
-Everybody went home drunk(yey!) and happy
Dec.22,2006, Mt. View,CA
-Party people came down south for our very first Christmas get together.
-We started pretty late (10pm to be exact) because of personal things we need to attend to...
-Food galore! everything is panalo!!!good choice vivi-vivs!
-Charades...girls team won!!!
-Exchange gift...I got long sleeves shirt/s
-Picture galore...
-Drinking!Drinking!hik!hik!!!!
-Everybody went home wasted(again)
Dec.23-26,2006 Santa maria,CA
-Will spend Christmas with my family for the first time in 2 years
-Roomie jojo and I drove down southern CA...
-Had fun with family -noche buena and christmas day
-Non stop eating!!!! TFC-boom tarat-tarat overload!!!1
-Roomie Jojo and I left Santa Maria at 3am and arrived at Daly City at 8am..
-Realized Christmas is happiest when spent with people you love...
As expected, My holiday this year was just ok...and being away for 3 days made me realign my thoughts-once more and prepare myself for my plans for 2007...i guess i needed that time for myself...away from the everyday drama of my life and just attend to the self i have long forgotten...
I am in steady mode right now...trying to free myself of all the negative vibes...and welcome the year right...
One day you'll see..my journal will all speak of beautiful things... no more hatred and loneliness... with that in mind ...
I am excited...
Happy Holidays everyone!!!
Current mood: calm Current music: kissing by bliss
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
I've been quiet for sometime...Been busy with a lot of things...
Anyway, here are bits of things randomly running thru my head...some are new...kinda new...and old...
So here goes....
******************************************************************************
My second week of december was spent in bed...I had flu...Believe me but getting sick these days really got into me- well emotionally and physically.
Picture this...
YOU-single-with flu-on a weekday(missing work and after work get together's)-knocked out (theraflu, you're the best!)-AT HOME-ALONE
THEM- Probably single or married or in a relationship(hehe!)-making money-lively and energetic-going to LA- PARTYING!!!
How good is that?....
Major bummer!
*****************************************************************************
Week three...Still coughing and sneezing but i'm fairly okay. Major stress with this and that... Finally back in socializing mode...Can't wait to for New Years Party!!!! Wuhooo!!!
***************************************************************************
Dec.12,2006...
Last night, I got an early Christmas present....Something I just prayed for...He gave it to me and made my favorite people instruments to make it possible...
Major pressure though...lose weight in 17 days????- goodluck sakin!!!
Something to look forward to: I'm excited to see nice pictures of me... not flat... I know my eyes will be sparkling a lil bit that night and i know I'll be smiling my best again in 5 months???...haaaaaaay life!!! (hehe!)
*****************************************************************************
It's almost Christmas time...and im okay... still blue but ok....steady...
life is good....
Have a nice day everyone!!!!
***************************************************************************
Current mood: excited Current music: none
Saturday, December 2, 2006
Friday, December 1, 2006
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
To dance is to be out of yourself. Larger, more beautiful, more powerful. This is power, it is glory on earth and it is yours for the taking.
- Agnes De Mille
I've taken basically everything a young girl should learn in the area of performing arts.I took classes on voice,theater,gymnastics,piano/organ and dance( under dance i took hawaiian, ballet,jazz,hip-hop and ballroom classes). Among all of this, i fell in love with Dance...
My love affair with dancing started at the age of 12. It was at this time that I shifted to jazz class after a number of years studying ballet. It must be the thought of us being the pioneer students in my school then ,having quite an edge over the beginners in my class ( due to ballet background)and being one of the top choices in group performances, that i found myself overly interested in it.
At first, all I wanted was to learn the basic techniques. I tried to remember all the foreign sounding terms and tried to figure out how to spell it. I listened carefully on how to execute every movement. I positioned myself in front of every class, and watched closely on how my teacher/choreographer does it or how he /she wants it done.
As I go along the process of learning...I suddenly felt something different. I noticed that everytime id go to my classes. I always feel a certain rush... I get high with the thought of me dancing again....of performing on stage. Exaggeration aside, i feel every beat of music , every little sound running thru my body, my system,the whole of me. That's when I knew this is not just any hobby...i'm in love...in love with dancing.
In dancing I get lost in a different world. A world where my imagination is free to wander. In dancing i don't need to talk. My every movement speaks greatly of what I feel...of what i need ...In dancing, I see everything beautiful...In dancing, i find happiness...self fulfillment...and peace.
I didn't become a professional dancer...but my passion for it stays. After all once a dancer always a dancer... I can't wait to get back on my feet again and feel that certain rush...Can't wait to get the kind of high i know...i want to get lost in my own world again and make my feelings known thru my movements...
i want to go back to my love...
I want to dance again...
Current mood:  high
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